Radiohead – Big Ideas (Acoustic)
I used to listen to this song on repeat when I was 16/17. A time where my perfectionism and anxiety was at its greatest – pertinently due to the impending arrival of year 12. The pressure of being a high achiever and not living up to the expectations of my peers and teachers, but most of all, myself, was entirely consuming. Being exceptional academically was my way of thriving through issues of body image, family and worth.
My thought processes and self value was entirely based on grades – everything else about myself that was conventionally beautiful or interesting, I saw as entirely irrelevant. My thought processes even leaned towards making myself truly believe there was nothing beautiful about myself; except for my ability to succeed academically. I was a recluse and was completely OCD about study routine and grades. My first anxiety attack happened when my Biology teacher was away and a substitute took the class to supervise a SAC. Before SACs, I usually was pumped with adrenaline; there’s no way there’s going to be something on this assessment that I HAVEN’T covered. I’d listen to ‘Under Pressure’ by David Bowie and Queen and sit outside the class five minutes before ready to destroy the paper. However, as soon as I saw the substitute teacher; an unfamiliar face in my usually comfortable environment, my heart sank a little. I sat down and midway through the SAC, my hand started to shake uncontrollably to a point where I couldn’t write. My mind was telling me to run. I was literally like WHAT THE FUCK is happening. I raised my hand and said, I can’t write, I’m losing time, I don’t know what’s happening to me. She settled me and gave me a sense of safety. I calmed down a bit and continued to write, albeit my already cursive handwriting was even more a mind maze.
This is when every SAC became fear. I felt so helpless that the one stadium where I felt I fought exceptionally and confidently had been taken away. The thrill had been removed and replaced with sickness. This extended to class speeches and even social situations; I was scared that I’d just randomly lose my shit and have no control over it. I didn’t speak to anyone about this. I was quiet. Just sitting in the corner of my mind ruminating on all the possible bad shit that could happen due to this weird and uncontrollable physical WAVE of fear that could come at any moment of unease.
The summer prior to year 12 was perhaps one of the most depressing times of my life. I was prescribed beta blockers to stop the physical symptoms of the anxiety attacks (so I could write and SPEAK during assessments) but due to the shame of my thought processes; I never revealed the reasons behind my anxieties and instead it was band-aided as ‘stress’ but in no way resolved the patterns of thinking that led to these irrational primitive fight or flight responses.
This got me by during year 12 and I managed to receive a 97.45 ATAR. Alas, I still cried the entire day I received it as I had not reached my goal – 98 and above. I broke my internal promise. I blamed my thoughts; I blamed the other version of myself that I couldn’t control. At this point, anxiety and other mental health issues (2010) were entirely stigmatised. I didn’t realise that anxiety itself is actually a medical disorder. It literally is something you cannot control (without help). It involves brain re-wiring and is indeed a product of environmental exposures and genetic predisposition. I would later learn this in my university degree.
I still turn to this song, in times where I feel like this; issues with relationships, family, self-doubt. I learned later in life that it wasn’t always grades that would make me feel like this. My mind tends to lean to darker thoughts that are entirely irrelevant from these issues as a way of manifesting such anxieties; thinking of something worse as a distraction from the central issue. Proper professional help, along with wisdom, gratitude and acceptance is what gave me the insight I have now into myself and my feelings. Know thyself (the quote Neo sees in The Matrix when he visits the oracle) is and always will be, my favourite statement. I feel like knowing myself, although l am ever-changing slowly through time as every human is on earth, also gives me a great deal of emotional intelligence in interacting with others.
It is so, so incredible that society is much more engaging with mental health and has de-stigmatised it so people, like myself, can share the fucked up things that have gone through their head and find mechanisms to sort through and understand them. It makes you incredibly stronger and overall the challenges I have faced in my mind are the biggest blessing. I can see everything and everyone so clearly now. While my anxiety may have driven me crazy at some times, it also drove me to a higher rationality.
But part of who I am, and who I will always be, is an obsession with matching and exceeding the expectations I have of myself in my mind. If I don’t, I fall. I saw myself falling in the last few months or so- taking on the problems of others, the negativity of the people close to me and the consequential emotions of this were getting in the way. I was losing sight of what’s important; what will actually matter in five years. So now I choose to remove myself from toxic environments, from situations beyond my control and from people who drag me down. I choose solitude. I choose isolation from all that can jeopardise my goal. I choose myself.
This morning I listened to this song.
My Big Ideas are going to happen – but thank you Radiohead for always being there. My soul will always resonate with you and at least you make confusion sound pretty.
Ps. This is actually the extended and acoustic version of Nude, I prefer it. The more minimalist, the more raw; the more real.
P.p.s I understand and am always here if anyone needs to chat
Peace xoxoxoxooxxox
gabrielleawood.com 